Kids (and Adults) Say the Darndest Things

Radio and TV producer and talent Art Linkletter had a show for many years that was built around children expressing themselves as only kids can. Kids Say The Darndest Things showed that given the opportunity and just a little coaching young children are capable of unabashedly pronouncing many sage truisms in their innocence.

But adults also say some of the darndest things. My dad was full of truisms that still roll around in my head and sometimes even out of my mouth. “Never try to beat a man at his own game,” is one I have forgotten to observe a couple of times much to my chagrin and shame. “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there” is one my dad told me to suggest that wandering around with no goal in sight is not a winning strategy. Or how about the famous old: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” That was one I used to describe our teenage children who were steadily bringing home “Cs” from the most expensive private school in the state.

A really tall guy from North Louisiana once drawled “Ya’ know Bobby you can run down the hill and get one of ‘em, or you can just walk down there and you might get ‘em all.” He used to say he was five-foot-twenty, and with the help of a little Old Charter he could get even higher than that.

I have not forgotten the bank president from Gonzales who told me once that partnership is the leakiest ship afloat. I have a $200,000 hole in my financial picture that proves the truth of that one beyond any shadow of a doubt. But what about: “Feed a cold and starve a fever.” How does that work when you have a cold and you’re running fever?

Or how about: “A stitch in time saves nine.” Does that mean nine stitches? What if it takes ten? Should you stop at nine anyway?

Phyllis Diller once said “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” Golfer Lee Trevino said “You don’t know what real pressure is until you play for five bucks a hole with only two bucks in your pocket.”

Politicians say darndest things too. Al Gore once told a large crowd of soon-to-be-former supporters: “A zebra does not change its spots.” George W. Bush was talking about John McCain when he said “He can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road.”

And don’t think comedians can’t emote valid truisms. Jerry Seinfeld was talking about TV. remote controls when he said “Men aren’t interested in what’s on. They’re interested in what else is on.”

Dolly Parton, who is a singer and not a comedienne, said “Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.” But Joan Rivers is a comedienne who said “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

Dizzy Dean once said “Ole Diz knows the king’s English. And not only that, I know the queen is English.” When Greg Norman won the 1983 World Matchplay Championship he said “I would like to thank my parents – especially my mother and father.”

Let’s stop this with a quote from Lucille Ball “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” Also on the subject of ageing Rodney Dangerfield said “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.”

And that’s about all of that we need for today. To quote my grandmother, as she swung her big wooden spoon at my rear end: “Enough is enough of anything!”